All The Bad Feelings

Thank goodness no one reads this…

As the title of this post implies, I am currently feeling all the bad feelings. Or so it feels.  I have this darkness/emptiness/gnawing inside me and at certain times, it makes functioning difficult.  I can identify certain contributing factors and circumstances that are resulting in this feeling of depression, but depression is such a vague term and it doesn’t do my disconnectedness any justice.  That’s kind of a convoluted statement but basically I mean…I can’t really identify the exact emotions I’m feeling–I just feel bad. Sometimes I feel like a small child, unable to use words to describe how I feel.

I know I feel disappointed with my lack of relationships (strong, close friendships basically), overwhelmed with the constant battle of fighting bulimia, nervous about the nursing program I’m about to begin in just over 2 weeks, money, and a hundred other things.  I know I’m perpetually uncomfortable in my body and that I’m frustrated that I can’t better amuse myself or find fulfilling hobbies.  Being alone is one thing; if I could at least channel my energy towards something productive or inspiring, that would be great.  And I mean hobbies other than reading about health, nutrition, etc. because although I am passionate about learning about those things, I know I need to create an identity separate from it.

At the moment, I feel unable to get out of this uncomfortable “funk.” I really do want to, I just don’t feel able.  I want to have plans tonight, with or without people. I want to enjoy myself, take advantage of the free time. I know it’d be easier in another area; there would be more outdoor activities (yoga, hiking, etc), non-bar related activities, decent gay clubs. There’s really not much like that here in CT. I know I need to make the best of it, though, and find a way to appreciate the life I have. We can always find gratitude and I do my best to practice what I preach to others. Sometimes, it just doesn’t feel sufficient.

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Tough Times

I’ve been having a rough time. I’ve had quite a few binge/purge days over the last few weeks. It’s amazing how quickly the whole cycle can be completely and utterly reignited.  All it takes is one time!  Such a seemingly insurmountable fight.

The loneliness has been out of control. I do my best not to judge myself for it and I want to focus on gratitude and loving myself, but it is just SO hard when I feel so alone.

Regarding the slips, some of them have been slow building urges that have culminated in episodes.  Other times have literally hit me over the head without notice.  Other times, though, they’ve started at home after I’ve compulsively overeaten frozen fruit.  It begins with mindless picking (many times after meals and completely unrelated to actual physical hunger) and I just don’t stop.  I know what I’m doing but honestly feel unable to stop.  At a certain point, the pervading thoughts are, “Well, I’ve already eaten way more than I’m comfortable with, so I may as well continue and binge because I’m going to purge anyway.”  Though this is really irrational, it’s my thought process. And 99% of the time, it doesn’t after after one binge/purge. It goes on for hours and hours.

Because some of these episodes have started due to of the mindless fruit eating, I decided to take a look at limiting my own fruit intake as well as regulating the fruit kept in the house. I live with my dad so I don’t want to cramp his style as far as limiting the foods he buys and enjoys.  He’s pretty willing to help in any way he can, though, so he’s down with limiting the fruit we keep at home.  Simultaneously, I think I’m going to do the 21 Day Sugar Detox (from Diane Sanfilipo).  To be honest, not much will change as far as what I eat since I generally focus on whole foods and have been grain free for a long while.  It will limit my fruit consumption to one granny smith apple or unripe banana per day.  For the 21 days, I also will stay away from potatoes, legumes, all soy, and plantains.  This may prove not to be helpful AT ALL but I’m willing to try anything that may introduce some more structure, garner a little inspiration, and allow me to experiment with potential craving-reducing modifications.

My applications are in for nursing programs at UCONN, Southern Connecticut State University, and Quinnipiac U.  I should find out in March/April if and where I get in, so I’m sitting tight for that.  Lately, here and there, I’ve been getting pretty excited thinking about where I want to be in 5 or so years. I was being silly, kinda fantasizing about being a functional medicine APRN working with Chris Kresser’ in his practice in California.  That would be so unbelievably fucking awesome.  Especially in times when I’m feeling super lonely and hopeless, I need to channel more of my energy in this direction.  I know people talk a lot about manifesting and it certainly can’t hurt to try for myself! I gotta work on this for sure.

Okay, I’m kinda done for the moment heh.  Part of me thinks my occasional writing here is useless and silly, but hey, it kinda took me out of my head for a little, so if nothing else, that’s positive.

Ciao, bitches! 🙂

Stagnation, Apathy, and a Glimmer of Hope

I’m wanting to write but not sure of WHAT to actually write.  I simultaneously feel like a blank page and a bomb on the verge of exploding.

Basically,

I am so lonely.

I’m lonely, bored, depressed, uninspired, confused, frustrated.

It’s been harder lately, to cage/tame the beast that is bulimia. When I get a bit of space from the disorder, when I can get a bit of abstinence from my insane bingeing and purging behaviors, I see much more clearly the myriad of purposes my eating disorder has served in my life (not that I haven’t dwelled on all of this in treatment ad nauseum, but it really is a different experience achieving and maintaining some level of recovery on one’s own).  Besides it being a straight up physiological addiction that hijacks my brain and body, I have historically underestimated the emotional/psychological aspects.  But when it comes down to it, bingeing and purging really does take me away from all of this uncomfortable loneliness, the feelings of stagnation, and the fear that I am completely wasting my life.  When every waking moment of my existence is centered on finding massive amounts of food, purging, and continuing the cycle into oblivion, there’s much less time to worry that I may not be living my “best life.”

That being said and although I’ve had a few slips the past couple of months, I am still doing alright and staying afloat in the treacherous waters that are recovery.  It’s hard though, when my days feel so lifeless, monotonous, and empty. I work, eat/prepare meals, go to bookstores to read, read health/nutrition blogs, go to the gym here and there, and…that’s about it. There’s really nothing else.

I crave connection, fun, and new experiences yet I’m unsure of how to actually materialize these things in my life.  Instead, I fall into the “compare and despair” trap, mindlessly scrolling through the Facebook feed. This is really useful…heh 🙂

My indecision is a big part of why I feel so paralyzed, I think.  I am really apathetic about so many potential hobbies or interests, making it difficult to find something to use as an outlet.

I created this blog so I might get inspired and connect with other people, but I’m at a loss at the best way to navigate this.  What perspective do I take? Healthy living type blog? Ironically AND predictably, I am fascinated by the science and research regarding health and nutrition and much of my life revolves around food. I’ve made some serious diet/lifestyle changes over the past year and it’s been exciting to actually take pride in eating healthily, without the cognitive dissonance that results when a person cares so much about health but is trapped in a deadly eating disorder.  It seems, then, that finding a unique angle with that could work.

I’m also FIGHTING like a motherfucker to beat an eating disorder that I’ve been battling for the past 13ish years.  I am a MALE battling an eating disorder.  I’ve decided, after getting a B.A. in psychology a few years ago, to go back to school for nursing. I have some long-term goals of  being a Nurse Practitioner, but with a very holistic and functional approach (maybe mental health?). I love the idea of having a practice in California, where I could counsel people, primarily use nutrition and supplements to treat patients, and just overall, help people uncover and create the beauty in their lives.

So while it seems like there are a few different directions I could take with a blog, I also have the loud and pervasive voices in my head telling me that my life is way too boring for anyone to read about it, that I have nothing original to say about food and nutrition, and that I am not far enough along in eating disorder “recovery” to actually write about it.  So…lots of thoughts and negativity that I’d venture to guess is not serving me.

I think I’m going to bite the bullet and introduce myself and this space in a few different online communities.  What’s the worst that can happen? No one reads it, no one can relate, nothing good comes of it. Even then, though, I will have put myself out there and let myself be vulnerable, which is a hell of a lot better than wallowing in my sorrow and staying isolated.

Figuring Out What to do with Myself

Is it just me that has a serious issue entertaining myself? It’s disappointing to me how uncomfortable I get when I have time to just relax, enjoy a day, and have absolutely no schedule to stick to. It’s times like these that I realize how much more work I need to do on myself.

Today, for example. I’m off from work, just finished a class (and therefore have no work to complete), and really don’t have any responsibilities to fulfill. I should be so happy to have a day to myself. And I would be. That is, if it weren’t for this really uncomfortable, aching feeling. I think it’s made up of a lot of different things. Loneliness, craving, indecision, exhaustion, fatigue, frustration, anxiety, and so many more emotions that I can’t necessarily articulate. Point is, it doesn’t feel too awesome.

I will say that kinda meeting myself where I am and coming to grips with the fact that this is how I’m feeling is a serious jump from how I would’ve handled these types of feelings just a couple of months ago. Scratch that. Because of my wildly unhealthy, self-destructive addiction to food and decade plus long struggle with bulimia, these feelings rarely actually came to the surface. I’ll hold off on delving into all of that, but long story short, there’s some good shit here. I can’t say I’m ACCEPTING and EMBRACING this discomfort, but I am, at the very least, acknowledging its existence and not using deadly means to quell them. Progress not perfection, betches.

I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to best fill my day. I want to do things I enjoy, things that make me feel productive, things that feed my spirit. Problem is…I can’t think of anything. What do I enjoy? What makes me tick? What do I usually “not have time for” but do today? I want, more than anything, to figure these things out, but unfortunately I’m having an issue coming up with answers to these seemingly simple questions.

In a way, I’m embarrassed that my life is so…empty. That I don’t have better defined interests, hobbies, and passions. I gotta remind myself, though, that judging myself harshly and drowning myself in comparisons and expectations will get me nowhere. So I’m going to do my best to be easy with myself.

I made a batch of kefir ( http://instagram.com/p/woOSV-HtSj/?modal=true ) , made my dad breakfast before he went to work, made a few school related phone calls, had a delish breakfast, and read a bunch of blogs. I may do a few yoga poses and from there, not sure what this Monday has in store for me. Either way, staying WITH myself and not letting my emotions swallow me up is my overarching goal.

What am I doing?!

I’ve toyed with the idea of starting a blog for awhile now.  For one, I need a hobby. Two, I’ve always enjoyed writing and really haven’t done much of it since high school outside of writing essays in college and most recently, for nursing applications.  I also see how people relate through blogging and that kind of connection is really appealing to me.

A lot has come up for me when I’ve thought about blogging. Thoughts like “I have nothing at all remotely interesting, funny, insightful, or unique to say” and “Who in the world is going to want to read about MY life happenings??”  Many other similar thoughts bounce around my crazy center/brain, but that’s the basic gist of it.  “What will I actually write about?” is another one. Tonight, after reading a few articles, specifically this one by Joshua Becker (http://www.becomingminimalist.com/15-reasons-i-think-you-should-blog/), I decided to bite the bullet and do it. I don’t know for sure exactly what I’ll write about or if there will be a strong theme.  I do know that I’m at a pretty interesting crossroads in my life right now and I don’t lose a thing by writing about it. Maybe no one will read this. That’s okay. I have no solid end goal for doing this.

I’d love to write about lots of stuff: nutrition/health/research/recipes, random life happenings, goals I may be working on/want to work on, my current status as a nursing student applicant, and just general stream of consciousness type things.  Maybe I’ll get a little “deep” here and there, maybe I won’t. At this point, I kind of want to just let it flow.

One thing is for sure though; I want this to be a really honest space. I want to speak freely and be vulnerable. Over the years, I’ve learned how valuable it is to just be me and embrace my thoughts and feelings without judgment (easier said than done). If what I talk about resonates with others and they enjoy, that’s beautiful. If not, that’s fine too.

So with that said, welcome and thanks for taking the time to check this out. See ya soon. 🙂