I’m wanting to write but not sure of WHAT to actually write. I simultaneously feel like a blank page and a bomb on the verge of exploding.
I am so lonely.
I’m lonely, bored, depressed, uninspired, confused, frustrated.
It’s been harder lately, to cage/tame the beast that is bulimia. When I get a bit of space from the disorder, when I can get a bit of abstinence from my insane bingeing and purging behaviors, I see much more clearly the myriad of purposes my eating disorder has served in my life (not that I haven’t dwelled on all of this in treatment ad nauseum, but it really is a different experience achieving and maintaining some level of recovery on one’s own). Besides it being a straight up physiological addiction that hijacks my brain and body, I have historically underestimated the emotional/psychological aspects. But when it comes down to it, bingeing and purging really does take me away from all of this uncomfortable loneliness, the feelings of stagnation, and the fear that I am completely wasting my life. When every waking moment of my existence is centered on finding massive amounts of food, purging, and continuing the cycle into oblivion, there’s much less time to worry that I may not be living my “best life.”
That being said and although I’ve had a few slips the past couple of months, I am still doing alright and staying afloat in the treacherous waters that are recovery. It’s hard though, when my days feel so lifeless, monotonous, and empty. I work, eat/prepare meals, go to bookstores to read, read health/nutrition blogs, go to the gym here and there, and…that’s about it. There’s really nothing else.
I crave connection, fun, and new experiences yet I’m unsure of how to actually materialize these things in my life. Instead, I fall into the “compare and despair” trap, mindlessly scrolling through the Facebook feed. This is really useful…heh 🙂
My indecision is a big part of why I feel so paralyzed, I think. I am really apathetic about so many potential hobbies or interests, making it difficult to find something to use as an outlet.
I created this blog so I might get inspired and connect with other people, but I’m at a loss at the best way to navigate this. What perspective do I take? Healthy living type blog? Ironically AND predictably, I am fascinated by the science and research regarding health and nutrition and much of my life revolves around food. I’ve made some serious diet/lifestyle changes over the past year and it’s been exciting to actually take pride in eating healthily, without the cognitive dissonance that results when a person cares so much about health but is trapped in a deadly eating disorder. It seems, then, that finding a unique angle with that could work.
I’m also FIGHTING like a motherfucker to beat an eating disorder that I’ve been battling for the past 13ish years. I am a MALE battling an eating disorder. I’ve decided, after getting a B.A. in psychology a few years ago, to go back to school for nursing. I have some long-term goals of being a Nurse Practitioner, but with a very holistic and functional approach (maybe mental health?). I love the idea of having a practice in California, where I could counsel people, primarily use nutrition and supplements to treat patients, and just overall, help people uncover and create the beauty in their lives.
So while it seems like there are a few different directions I could take with a blog, I also have the loud and pervasive voices in my head telling me that my life is way too boring for anyone to read about it, that I have nothing original to say about food and nutrition, and that I am not far enough along in eating disorder “recovery” to actually write about it. So…lots of thoughts and negativity that I’d venture to guess is not serving me.
I think I’m going to bite the bullet and introduce myself and this space in a few different online communities. What’s the worst that can happen? No one reads it, no one can relate, nothing good comes of it. Even then, though, I will have put myself out there and let myself be vulnerable, which is a hell of a lot better than wallowing in my sorrow and staying isolated.